BHF5: Bart Simpson vs The World
by ShadowDialga
Summary: An epic of epic... humor, action, and romance. Chick-flick ending is NON-CANON!


**Episode IV: Bart Simpson vs. The World**

[Dengar, Z-Man, and Jango Fett are hanging around at the BHF5 base.]

Dengar: …and then I shot that lunatic who tried to sneak down our chimney, like, five times.

Jango Fett: That was the best Christmas ever.

[Bart bursts in.]

Bart: Guys! Guys!

TR: Hi, Bart. What took you so long?

Bart: Ok, on the way here, I was thirsty, so I went to go get a soda. They were out of Buzz Cola, so I had to get 2 cans of decaf. I had to go to the bathroom, but the nearest restaurant only had an employees-only restroom. So I had to work there for 2 hours. Then I saw some guy stealing some lady's purse. I decided to capture him. So then I decided to stop by at Gena's. But she wasn't home. Her mom had no idea where she was. Then I saw a note in Huttese saying she was captured by the CIS. I went to go to Charlie's house, but then I remembered he was homeless so I went to the Kwik-E-Mart where he always hangs out. Apu gave me a note with the same thing that was on Gena's house. So GENA AND CHARLIE HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE CIS!

TR: All that work to get me some hot sauce from "El Taco Llama"? My taco is already turkey cold. Oh, well.

Jango Fett: Where's Wicket?

Bart: Not in this episode, conveniently.

Jango Fett: If they stole your 2 best friends, who knows who else they might have kidnapped?

Bart: Funny you should mention that. Nelson wasn't home either. But I suspect he just wasn't home. He was probably just off shooting ducklings at the quarry.

TR: Maybe they're just avoiding you.

Bart: Hard to believe. Either way, who wants to go fight the CIS today!

Dengar: I do!

Z-Man: Me too!

Jango Fett: Count me in!

TR: Well, Bender did steal my Whopper last week at Spaceburger King. Meep.

Bart: You were lunching with the enemy?

TR: Eh, a free lunch is a free lunch.

Bart: But they stole it.

TR: Touché.

Bart: Touché does not rhyme with douche, TR.

[At the CIS base.]

Harvey: I've done what you wish master. I've reached his weak spot. They're probably on their way now.

[Camera moves to Charlie and Gena tied to chairs.]

Gena: [Talking in her sleep.] Why yes, Bart. I'd love a nice walk in the park…

[Wakes up]

Bender: They've woken up. Should we spray them again with Liquefied Lecture?

Rose: No, no, no. I want some time to enjoy something.

Charlie: Wait, what'd she say? Oh, hi Jenny.

Rose: That's Darth Rose to you!

Charlie: Why couldn't you've had that name when we were still in a band?

Rose: Sideshow Bob gave me the name.

Charlie: You mean that crazy haired guy without an eyepatch?

Rose: Uhhh…yes.

Charlie: You know, now that I met you again, you seem kinda nice.

Gena: Not if they ever tried to kiss my man!

Charlie: That was before he met you. Or at least before you started stalking him. Secretly, it goes like this. Gena loves Bart. Bart hates Gena. Gena still loves Bart. Bart pretends to love Gena. Bart still hates Gena. Or so he makes it see-.

Gena: Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!

[Struggles to get free.]

Rose: Ah, anarchy. Now Gena, speak into this recorder and say you hate Bart and that you never want to see him again.

Gena: No thanks, I'd rather die.

Rose: More like I'd rather see Bart die.

Gena: YOU'RE EVIL!

Charlie: [Thinking.] Rose is so nice…

[Meanwhile.]

Jango Fett: You know, maybe the CIS is stupider than we think if they keep luring us to the same base in the middle of nowhere.

[A giant net flies up from the base and tangles the ship. It starts to nosedive into a volcano.]

Z-Man: Or… maybe not.

Dengar: Guys! The ship's engines just failed! We're losing altitude!

Jango Fett: Then prepare for crash landing!

TR: Wait! I know!

[Pulls out a banana. Time stops.]

Bart: How much sugar is IN those things?

[TR waltzes around the cabin, then walks out of the ship. He untangles the net and disappears, then reappears without the net and re-enters the ship. Everyone applauds.]

[Time resumes.]

Z-Man: That was awesome! How did you do that?

TR: By sheer random. Plus, the narrator lost a bet.

[Well, how was I supposed to know that you only have 3 toes on your left foot?]

Bart: What happened to the net?

[Meanwhile.]

Terk: Yawn! That was a relaxing sleep! [Sees he's tied to his bed.] What th-? [Sees he's tied up in the village square. And the bed is on fire.] AAAGGGHH!

[Everyone laughs.]

[Turns to camera.]

Terk: Bet you thought I was dead, didn't you, reader?

[Present.]

[Ship lands next to CIS base.]

Jango Fett: Quick. Let's split up. TR, Z-Man, and I will scout that strange lava lagoon. Bart and Dengar will take the east compound.

[They split up.]

TR: [Over earpiece.] Bart, I sense a disturbance in-

Bart: -the force?

TR: No, my stomach. I shouldn't have put so much taco sauce on my tacos.

Rose: Bart.

Bart: [Turns forward.] GAAGH! [Drops weapon and scrambles to pick it up.] Don't scare me like that and PREPARE TO SURRENDER!

Rose: [Puts foot on blaster.] You'll be the one who'll surrender after you hear this recording.

[Pulls out tape recorder.]

Gena: [From recorder] I hate Bart Simpson and I never want to see him again!

Bart: TR! Quick! Start singing!

TR: FA LA LA LAA, FA LA LA LAA, HEE-EE-EY, GOOD-BYEEEE!

[Clicks tape recorder.]

Rose: Too late.

Bart: Ok, I don't know whether to be happy or sad.

Rose: If you want, I could take that all away.

Bart: Dengar? Come in, Dengar!

Dengar: [Over earpiece.] Oh, sorry. Can't talk now. I'm in a 5-star restaurant. Yes, I'll have the filet lobster mignon truffle…

Bart: Where did you even find that?

Dengar: Oh, I snuck off while you were searching and found a sign that said, "This way to Charra Monta Perros". Bye now. [Click.]

Bart: I see where you're going, Rose.

Rose: Call me Jenny.

[Meanwhile, Gena and Charlie are viewing what just happened.]

Gena: What? NO! How could she!

Charlie: Duh, you know what Dave Grohl says. [Takes out guitar.] Erase! Replace! Erase! Replace! Erase Replace! Erase! Replace!

Gena: How could he?

Harvey: I know. I've never seen anyone play guitar when tied to a chair…

Gena: I meant Bart, you ugly vamp!

[Gets angry and breaks through the bars.]

Harvey: You're not getting out tonight!

Gena: All a girl needs is motivation!

[Gena grabs Harvey in a headlock.]

Gena: Say it!

Harvey: Uncle! UNCLE!

[Gena escapes.]

Charlie: Wait for me!

[Unties himself (?) and runs after her.]

[Meanwhile.]

Jango Fett: Watch out. It's a river of lava.

[Uses jetpack and soars across.]

Z-Man: This'll be easy-for me.

[Walks across.]

TR: I ain't goin'.

Z-Man: TR.

TR: Yes?

Z-Man: I've got a taco.

TR: FOR THE TACO! TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

[Runs through the river like a gladiator screaming. The scream fades. The scream comes back as a flaming TR comes out of the lava.]

TR: -AAAACOOOOOOOOOO!

Z-Man: At least the taco won't be cold.

Jango Fett: Yes. But watch out when he breaks wind.

[A gust of wind comes along. TR makes like breaking its neck with his knee.]

Z-Man: If these puns get any lamer, [Zooms out to show he's in a kayak in the lava.] I'm going to have my kayak and eat it, too.

Jango Fett: Wood's not edible.

Z-Man: Oh, right.

TR: Dude, I think you're on fire.

Z-Man: I always am!

[Meanwhale.]

Bart: Rose. I'm glad we got to know each other again.

Rose: I like you, Bart.

Bart: [Chuckles.] You called me by my actual name.

Rose: I love you, Bartie. Let me give you a health boost…

[They lean toward each other. Suddenly, Bart takes out lightsaber and points it at Rose. Rose laughs and takes one out, too.]

Bart: Yeah, I didn't fall for it, either.

Rose: Let's go.

[Awesome lightsaber battle.]

Gena: [Hiding behind corner, and only saw the part where they said they're gonna make out.] Oh my God… how could Bart do this to me?

Charlie: Gena? What's wrong?

Gena: Bart… and Rose… they… were gonna… they…

Charlie: What?

[Gena grabs Charlie and kisses him.]

Charlie: [Thinking.] Eh, being the consolation boyfriend isn't too bad.

[Meanwhile.]

Dengar: That was the best meal I ever had that made a species go extinct…

Waiter: Your bill, sir.

Dengar: Yeah, there we g- HOLY CRAP! DOES THIS MUCH MONEY EVEN EXIST IN THE WORLD?

Waiter: Is there a problem, sir?

Dengar: YEAH, THERE'S A PROBLEM! THERE ARE MORE ZEROES HERE THAN AT A STAR TREK CONVENTION!

Waiter: Well, once you're bone broke, you won't have any money for your FUNERAL!

[Yanks off mask, showing he's actually Bob.]

Dengar: Zoinks!

Bob: Nice to MEAT you, whoever you are.

[Dengar walks backwards slowly. Bob walks toward him. He suddenly steps on a rake. Bob chases Dengar. They both keep stepping on rakes.]

Bob: Who left all these rakes lying around in a 5-star restaurant!

Dengar: Don't you use them to make your rake stew?

Bob: I wouldn't know, I only snuck in here before you did.

[Meanwhile.]

Bart: You've grown stronger since our last fight!

[Clash!]

Rose: Flattery doesn't work on me since I had my sympathy gland removed!

[Clash!]

Bart: That's a GLAND?

[Clash!]

[Meanwhile]

Jango Fett: What are we in this volcano for, anyway?

Z-Man: Maybe there's a generator for the entire CIS base in here.

[There's a generator for the entire CIS base in there.]

TR: Well, whadaya know? A generator for the entire CIS base is in he-

Jango Fett: Just STOP!

[Pulls lever. There's a lowering humming sound.]

Z-Man: Maybe that wasn't the best idea. Bart and Dengar are in there.

TR: Naaaah, they'll know what happened.

[Meanwhile.]

Dengar: What the hell just happened?

Bob: Gaah! There must be a rake in my eye because I've gone blind!

Dengar: No, that was just a blackout.

Bob: Make him go back inside then.

Dengar: How racist. [Puts on night vision scope on rifle.] Anyway, gotta run.

Bob: Nooo! How am I supposed to use Force Lightning to fry you NOW? [Thinks.] Oh, right, duh!

[Uses lightning to make a glow around him.]

Bob: Come on out, wherever you are, Dengar!

Dengar: Whaa-? [Sees Bob in a light searching.] Better get outta here.

Bob: What was that? This restaurant is otherwise empty!

Dengar: Don't worry! I'm just your imagination!

Bob: Wait a minute… my imagination is a hot lady's voice, not Dengar's!

Dengar: I got a new chip!

Bob: Oh, OK, carry on!

[Dengar gets out.]

Dengar: Bart?

[Meanwhile.]

Rose: What was that?

Bart: An opportunity!

[Runs off, and hits a wall.]

Rose: Bart? Get back here! I'M GOING TO FIND YOU!

Bart: [Into earpiece, quietly.] Jango, the power just went out. What happened?

Jango Fett: Oh, I just pulled the lever on the generator.

Z-Man: Uhhh… Jango? Not to rain on your parade, but the only lever on here is a self-destruct one on a 2-minute timer.

Jango Fett: Well, how long ago did I pull it?

TR: Oh, just about 119 seco-

[Explosion, then static.]

Bart: Jango? Come in! JANGO!

Rose: Bart? I've got you now!

[Bart turns around and sees Rose has her lightsaber on, and it's like 3 feet away. And remember, Bart is in a corner!]

[Meanwhile.]

Charlie: Wow, I think we just made out so hard, my retinas fused.

Gena: No, I can't see either. I think the power went out.

Charlie: Maybe we should stay in one place to not get lost, and entertain ourselves!

Gena: No, Bartie could be in trouble! I just heard Rose's voice!

Charlie: I thought you hated him now.

Gena: Yeah, well, the lingering effects of love last longer in your system than swallowed gum.

Charlie: But I've never gotten to first base before! I don't wanna foul out!

Gena: Trust me, "foul" is the right word for you. Now come on. I didn't French your fries for nothing!

Charlie: Fine.

[They feel their way around the corner and down the hallway.]

Gena: I see something.

Charlie: Looks like a red lightsaber.

Gena: But Bartie's is green! Oh no… Rose is going to kill Bart!

Charlie: So much for hating him…

Gena: Charlie St. Jimmy Strathern, if you don't help me with this, YOU can be the one to break the news to Bart that you made out with his girlfriend!

Charlie: You have a point. Even though it would be good news to him.

Gena: I found a switch here.

Charlie: Maybe it's the lights.

Gena: Maybe. Sing at the top of your vocal range while I flip it to give it drama. On three. One…

[Meanwhile]

Rose: Bartie! Come heeeere! I only want to decapitate you and mount your stuffed head over my mantle!

Bart: [Thinking.] Oh, man, this would be a great time for some divine intervention!

[A glowing light appears from the ceiling, and a chorus of angel-like voices sings.]

Bart: Hallelujah!

Rose: There you are!

[Slices Bart in half.]

[Game Over!]

[Bart's in a completely black void.]

Bart: What the? Didn't she just cut me in half? What is this?

[Turns around and sees the Game Over screen.]

Bart: Am I dead? Dang. I wish I had a 1-up.

[Continue? 9]

Bart: What?

[8]

Bart: Oh, do I need to put in a quarter?

[7]

[Searches pockets for quarter.]

[6]

Bart: I've got nothin'!

[5]

Bart: Calm down, Bart. You gotta think!

[4]

Bart: When I'm at the arcade…

[3]

Bart: And I'm out of quarters…

[2]

Bart: And I'm not giving up just yet…

[1]

Bart: I kick the machine!

[Kicks the screen, it goes static-y for a second, then resets to 9 and spits out a quarter.]

Bart: Bingo!

[Pushes the quarter into the wall, and everything around him goes fuzzy.]

Bart: Alright, gotta try again.

Rose: …and mount your stuffed head over my mantle!

Bart: [Thinks] Last time, after she said that…

[Dives to the side right when the light turns on where he was.]

Bart: Too close.

Rose: Bartie? Where are you?

[Bart looks up and sees Rose is looking right at him, but past him, as if she can't see him.]

Bart: [Shouts.] What the…?

[Waves his hand in front of her, and it goes through her. She still doesn't notice.]

[Looks down and sees he's flickering like when you respawn in a game and you're invincible for a few seconds.]

Rose: Bart? Seriously, I wanna kill you! Come on! Don't be like this!

[She walks away.]

Gena: Where could he have gone…?

Bart: Hey, Rose! Over here, you dumb-!

[Looks down and see's he's not flickering anymore.]

Bart: Whoops.

Rose: GRRR! Just for that, you're going to SUFFER!

[Bart stands still while she runs at him, then goes to the side and sticks out his foot at the last second.]

Rose: OOOP! [Trips and falls onto face. Gets up and turns around and sees Bart running off.] I'M GOING TO GET YOU!

[The lights turn on, and she sees Bart standing with Gena and Charlie behind him.]

Rose: How did you escape?

Dengar: There you guys are!

[Dengar joins them.]

Rose: I gotta run, see ya!

[They all leave.]

[Meanwhile]

[Jango, Z, and TR are unconscious on some rocks next to the exploded remains of the generator.]

Z-Man: [Coming to.] Ooooh, note to self, never pull any lever that has "Self Destruct" written in any context on it…

[Wakes up TR and Jango.]

Jango Fett: What happened? Where am I?

Z-Man: We.

Jango Fett: Oh, it's you… who are you?

TR: Uuuh, Z? Little help here, bro? I can't move!

Z-Man: Calm down, and stop being lazy.

TR: Seriously! My muscles aren't working.

Z-Man: I'm fine.

Jango Fett: Who are you, yellow man?

Z-Man: Knock it off.

Jango Fett: Seriously. And why is it so hot and red? Am I in hell? What did I do to come here?

Z-Man: This doesn't look good. But at least he remembers hell.

TR: Z-Man! Please help!

Z-Man: I'll be right there! [Runs over.] You know, when I was in the Malastarian army, I was a medic.

TR: Good! Help me move!

Z-Man: Hold on, buddy. [Picks him up and puts him down on the floor.] Alright, let's see what WHOOOA is-.

TR: That's rarely a good sign.

Z-Man: This is no exception. I think the way you landed caused paralysis, not to mention crazy amounts of bleeding.

TR: Oh no! Could this have been any worse?

Z-Man: Actually, yes. You were balanced in the middle of lava. If you had moved a centimeter, you would have burned to a crisp.

TR: Lucky me.:-D

Z-Man: Stay quiet, bro. You're losing a lot of blood. I'll call in a medic copter.

[Punches a few buttons on his wrist device. A helicopter comes in.]

Z-Man: Take this one! He needs several pints of blood stat, and some paralysis healing!

Pilot: We'll just give him a Cheri Berry.

[They fly off.]

Z-Man: Get up, Jango.

[Jango is just lying there.]

Z-Man: Jango! Come on!

[He still doesn't respond.]

Z-Man: [Comes up to him.]YOUR name is Jango Fett.

Jango Fett: It is?

Z-Man: Yup, and I'm Z-Man. You're the leader of the finest bounty hunter force in the galaxy, the BHF5.

Jango Fett: I don't remember that.

Z-Man: Well, when you pulled that lever over there, the explosion must have given you amnesia. It could have been worse. TR, the guy who just flew away? He got paralyzed!

Jango Fett: Why were you unscathed then?

Z-Man: Maybe it was a miracle. Come on, get up.

[Jango gets to his feet. They leave the volcano quietly. Later, at the base, after reminding Jango about who everyone is.]

TR: …and if it was not for his heroic efforts, I might have died in that hellhole! So I present this award to… Frank Sinatra!

Z-Man: I thought he was talking about me.

TR: And I thought your name was Frank Sinatra! Come on up, Z!

[Z-Man gets a medal.]

Jango Fett: I'm sorry for being such dead weight, but please let me thank you for helping me through all this.

Z-Man: This isn't a chick flick, bro. You'll remember soon enough.

Jango Fett: Thanks.

Z-Man: Let me help you remember some memories by telling you about the best Christmas ever. You see, it all started when we shot down a reindeer-powered unidentified flying thingie…

[Walks off.]

Dengar: At least I wasn't the one injured this time.

Bart: That's real nice of you.

Dengar: Where are Gena and Charlie?

Bart: Gena went back home, and I think Charlie is going to crash with her for a while.

[Meanwhile, at the CIS base]

Bob: The mission was a failure, the BHF5 escaped with the prisoners once again.

Rose: [Sniff.] I failed…

Harvey: It's OK, I still love you!

Rose: Really?

Harvey: Heck yeah! You've got more curves than a go-kart track!

Rose: [Rolling eyes and smirking.] I thought you would say you love me for my mind!

Harvey: Hey, you always say for me to be honest with you!

Rose: You can read me like a book.

[Kiss.]

Bender: Awwww…

[Let's just say Jango gets his memory back because THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE THINK IT UP AS WE GO ALONG!]


End file.
